***Kai***
…
I tell Charles to take me to the old condo, where my brother
and I used to live.
He drives me there immediately without saying another word.
I don't speak, my eyes no longer seeing the world.
I enter the apartment, and immediately goes to my brother's
room.
There are pieces of him in this room. His drawings, his
textbooks.
I find the photoframe on the table, pictures of us together,
smiling.
There are a couple of photos with our parents at the old
house, and one at my university.
Letting out a strangled scream, I throw the pictures on the
floor, hearing the loud shatter of glass as everything breaks into fragments.
They break just like my heart.
I continue throwing things on the floor, until heavy arms
wraps around me from behind and I struggle, still screaming with pain.
I try to push him away but Charles holds me tighter, his
arms caging me.
I scream with rage, and with grief, and every single emotion
inside me bursts out into a wailing song.
Charles brings me to the floor, his arms still locking tight
around me.
My energy drains out from the struggle and my throat is raw
from the screaming.
Letting out small whimpers, I drift into a restless sleep.
…
The sun rays coming through the window wakes me up.
My eyes blinks before I take in the surroundings around me.
There are pieces of broken glass on the floor, surrounding
us.
I'm lying, with my legs on the floor, and my body on
Charles's lap.
His arms are still around me as he sleeps.
I pull away from him, and let him sleep with his back
resting against the bed frame.
I no longer feel anything. Everything is just so numb.
I'm so tired…
I sit on a chair in the living room, willing myself to fade
and disappear.
Not long after, I hear Charles coming out of the bedroom.
“Kai, are you okay?” I hear him ask. He sounds muffled in my
head.
I don't answer, my eyes staring out at an empty space.
After that, Charles tries to feed me, but I refuse to eat.
He begs me to speak but my lips no longer move.
I refuse to get out of the chair so he carries me to the bathroom
and bathe me.
I know he sees me naked as he washes me but I don't give a
shit.
I am simply… numb.
And I'm still waiting to die.
Charles yells at me sometimes to make me speak. He yells at
me to eat.
I hear his frustrations and sometimes he would leave the
apartment in anger.
I hear the door slams hard and still I feel nothing.
But he always comes back, and he takes care of me again.
He says 'I love you' to me repeatedly. I wish I can say
those words back but I don't have a heart to give.
My heart is buried with my brother.
I don't know how many days has passed since my brother
passed away.
Charles tells me he already prepared the funeral, but I
wouldn't step a foot outside the house.
I don't want to visit his grave. I wouldn't be able to see
my brother again. I would only see the grey monument slab, marking his corpse.
“Come back to me, please.” Charles wraps his arms around my
waist and buries his head on my stomach.
I hear his sobs, his body shakes as he cries. But my hands
stays limp on my sides.
He never allows me to die. He feeds me and takes care of me.
When my body stops functioning, he carries me to bed every
night and covers me with the duvet.
He would stay for hours watching me until I fall asleep.
…
It's spring, I think, when I finally see the world.
I wake up to the sounds of birds chirping.
I pad through the floorboard, my feet silent as I walk
towards the living room.
My feet moves to a different direction when I hear the sound
from the kitchen.
I see Charles's back in the kitchen, chopping up some
vegetables.
There is soup boiling on the hob and he stirs it before
adding some salt.
I walk slowly towards him and wrap my arms around his waist.
The sounds of chopping immediately stops. His back stiffens
and I hold him tighter.
“Thank you,” I whisper. “Thank you for being with me. Thank
you for staying.”
I hear his loud exhale, before his large hands covers mine.
“Are you okay?” he says.
I smile slightly. “I'm back.”
He turns around and cups my face with his hands.
His hands feels too large now, or maybe I've just gone
thinner.
“Are you really okay?” he says again.
“I wanted to die, Charles. I couldn't see a thing. I
couldn't feel a thing. I felt everything just ceased to exist. I no longer
existed.
I was prepared to disappear. But I kept hearing your voice,
calling me over and over. You pulled me back from my despair. You managed to
wake me up.”
There are tears glistening in his eyes before they drop
freely down his cheeks.
“Are we doing okay?” he asks.
“Yes. If you shall have me, I will never leave you again.
Your love awakens me. And your love heals me. You picked up
my broken pieces and you glued me together until I became whole again. I love
you. You're mine.”
Charles brings my face to his and kisses me gently.
“I'm forever yours,” he agrees.